hangover cure

listen carefully. what i'm about to set out for you has taken years of refinement and experimentation. this method works and it works every time. (its only assumption is that the sleep has become impossible. otherwise, sleep!)

the ancillary ingredients may change. you may be vegetarian, for instance. but the core of this cure is a constant.

the irreducible ingredient you need is a walk, outside.

"but how," you yowl pathetically, "how am i expected to even stand? much less face the suddenly impractical task of shodding my feet? and the truly horrifying, insupportable prospect of leaving the house, where all may see what a broken person i have become?"

let's start with your feet. they do work, you know. you've been weakly, dumbly kicking the wall with one of them for the past half an hour. you can do this. but first you need water. you need more than you think you can possibly get down you, about two pints.

do not, at this point, decide that it's a good idea to take the paracetemol/tylenol/anadin/excedrin. it's not going to do much for you in your present state anyway - you are way too far gone for medicines that were designed for normal, sane people.

now this part is very important. you have to find your shoes, and put them on. make sure you have your trousers on first. and your socks. this may take some time. that's ok.

now find your jacket if you need it. try to remember back to the day before. was it cold? hot? this information will be difficult to access. let it come.

attempt more of the water. visit the bathroom if you need to. now think: do you have any bacon? do you have any bread? do you have any normal black or orange pekoe tea? if you don't, that's fine. that's what you're going to go get from the store.

wait wait wait hold on. i didn't say this was going to be easy. i said it would work. do you enjoy feeling this way? no? then try to pull yourself together. you're going outside. somehow.

stand up. steady yourself. try not to look up too much. looking up requires more from your eye muscles and they are already shattered. keep your eyeline at the horizon or lower.

find your money. you probably don't have any left. you'll need to hit an atm. that's fine. hold onto that idea. all you need to do is make it there.

now take a big glug of that water. as much as you can. you all right? visit the bathroom again if you need to. now find your paracetemol/tylenol/anadin/excedrin. take three, you need everything you can get. wash that down with some more water.

now you're ready.

open your door and walk outside. remember to lock it.

if you need money your first port of call is the atm machine. head there now. now listen closely, because this is a mistake that even the best will make: do not - i repeat - do not - buy your bacon and bread and tea now. you don't need any crappy old plastic bag weighing you down. what you need is to walk.

you may have never taken an aimless walk in your entire life. but desperate times call for desperate measures. it may be cold and rainy and horrible. that's too bad - i feel for you. i really do.

now for the very important bit, without which the walk will not work, and all will be in vain:

you need to sing.

you may feel ridiculous doing this bust trust me, it works. it engages your lungs and gets everything flowing better. if your streets are very crowded, hum. find a song you know the tune and/or words to and just go with it. it's like a meditation.

do not come back home for at least 45 minutes. do not sit down at a cafe. keep walking, and keep humming or singing for at least half of your walk.

get the foodstuffs mentioned above.

ignore members of the opposite sex - who you may inexplicably be tempted to chat up, even in the splendor of your ruination.

when you come back, finish your water.

put on some tea. make some bacon and toast some bread while the tea's brewing.

you know what's crazy? you're already feeling better.

you're smelling the bacon and it it actually smells good.